Over the past couple weeks, as you most likely are aware, I've been feeling a little stressed. Or, tense. Or, "on edge", I guess. I don't usually get stressed. I'm just assuming that's what it is. I'm not typically on edge, so I figure this must be what it feels like. But, why? Why the stress?
I can blame it on the pregnancy. That's easy enough. Or, I can blame it on boys who have "their moments", and a dog who loves everything that isn't hers. Like, the pacifier, for example, that Cash just set down. The teddy bear he just unstrapped from the carseat. Or, of course, the shoe I was just looking for. All those are a good place to start, when seeking to place blame. However, tonight, as Ryan loaded up the boys and headed to the driving range, I was left home, alone, except for the dog, ... and my thoughts. I sat on the computer and mindlessly perused my way through Facebook. I came across a youtube video. The singer was Kari Jobe. I hopped on youtube and searched. The song I was looking for was, "We Cry Out." I found it. And there, alone in my kitchen (except for the dog), I found my stress relief. Or, my "on edge relief." Whatever you want to call it. But, I found it. And not-so-surprisingly, in the exact place I should have been looking all along.
"Father of life, seated on your throne of grace, it's only by your mercy we are saved. Lord, you've said that if we call upon your name, we and our families will be saved. So we cry out your name, El Shaddai, God of Grace, Lord Most High, Jesus Christ. We rely on your grace, Adonai, crowned in praise, Lord Most High, Jesus Christ."
On Monday, my Aunt and Uncle are holding a golf tournament in honor and memory of their son, my cousin, Tyler, who, at the age of 12, died of cancer, just shy of 16 months ago. They went through 4 years of stress (or, more appropriately, hell on earth), and they continue to live each day with the reality that their precious son is no longer here. They'd give anything... ANYTHING...even what I might consider "a worst day", to have Tyler back. If only for a moment. Who am I to blame my kids for putting me on edge? They are the most amazing gift God has ever given me. Why do I dare blame my stress on pregnancy? Don't I realize how blessed I am to be 7 short weeks away from holding another tiny miracle in my arms, while there are countless women who would literally give their right arm to be in my position? I'm not saying one can't get frustrated. It happens. A lot. That's life. But lest I quickly forget..."I will most gladly spend and be spent for their souls."
Here's to being spent...And remembering to find relief in the only place it can be found.